This speech was given as the Opening Keynote for the Leather Leadership Conference 2023 on Friday, March 10, 2023 in Atlanta, Georgia.
Servant Leadership: Gateway to Leading with Love
Thank you to the board of the Leather Leadership Conference for inviting me to speak with you today. Thank you all for lending me your time and attention to discuss something I am very passionate about.
I actually submitted this topic as a class for this event, and I got a text message from Mita saying “hey when you get a chance call me”.
Now I love and respect Mita more than I could possibly describe and I consider them like an older sibling, so the first thought in my head was “Oh shit, what did I do!!!!!” So we had the call and they told me that LLC wanted me to take my the 90 minute class proposal and turn it into a 20 minute keynote. My sense of relief at not being “in trouble” soon turned to anxiety.
But after my wife and other partners reassured me, here we are. You know what? We are going to get through this together! Buckle in, for a bit of journey into my brain!
Recently I've been involved, in some capacity, in several situations that have highlighted to me just how radical of an idea Leading With Love really is.
Our communities are largely led by ego, shame and fear. By mob rule, by whoever can yell the loudest, or cry the hardest, or type the fastest.
And we wonder why we struggle to change and adapt to issues that require compassion and empathy? Why we struggle with inclusion, diversity, and conflicts of difference. Our communities now more than ever need leaders who Lead with Love.
What is Leading With Love?
Well first of all, when we say love in this context, we aren’t necessarily talking about what the Ancient Greeks referred to as Éros or “intimate love”. Rather we mean somewhere between Philía (“friendship”) and Agápē (“charity”).
For me, the foundation of Leading with Love is the idea of servant leadership and that's what I want to talk about for the rest of my time with you tonight.
So what is servant leadership? Rather than give you some dictionary definition, allow me to list some ideas that I think exemplify what servant leadership is to me.
Servant Leadership
… Comes from a desire to truly understand those you lead. To not only understand how you and they are the same, but how you are different. How their lived experience has lead them to see the world differently than you and hence may not be experiencing the current moment in the same way you are.
… Means to know and care about what they care about, what motivates them, what empowers them, and how they feel (not just how they’re doing). Leading with love is about THEM not YOU. Your goal here is to lift up those you are leading, and to do that you have to know not only from where they are starting but where they want to go and how they plan to get there.
… Means the ability to be self-aware of your own strengths and weaknesses. You can’t lead without a good self-inventory of what you can and can’t do well. This helps you identify those you should and shouldn’t lead or where you will need help leading.
… Means the ability and willingness to be empathetic towards those you lead. People tend to follow those who they truly believe see them and understand them. Empathy is one path to truly seeing and understanding people.
… Means to see yourself as one of them. You aren’t above them, better than them, smarter than them, more worthy than them, you are one of them, among them, in the trenches with them, act like it!
That was the what, here’s the why
There are numerous advantages to this framework of leadership.
It tends to attract the kind of people who align with your mission, vision, or values and more importantly … care. This isn’t 1989, this isn’t Paula Abdul’s number-one hit Opposites Attract. (man that MC Skat Kat was such a rebel!) Whatever you put out there, you will attract. What you put out in the world will come back to you. I think about it as Iron Sharpens Iron.
It leads people to feel cared for and about. This provides the incentive many people are looking for to invest in what you are doing. It helps them to feel like a part of it, not just a participant in it. It also helps create a safe space for them to be their authentic selves, and when they feel safe to do that they show you who they really are and how bright they can shine.
It’s sustainable. When you build something with the right people who are truly invested in it, it’s sustainable. You will be less likely to have a shortage of help. You will be less likely to have a shortage of ideas. You will have less pressure on you to be the catalyst for change, or growth, or support. This love becomes the fuel that powers the engine of the entity.
(For me anyways) It feels good. It feeds me. It feeds my heart and my soul to see these well-oiled, love and respect fueled, volunteer machines we call events and groups and play spaces work. And I know there are leaders in this room that know what I’m talking about.
Through this you can build consensus (most of the time), you will gain respect and trust, you will gain insight into yourself and the people you lead, you will gain the ability to persuade and influence those you lead rather than having to force them using intimidation or bullying.
You will be able to build and maintain a stable community/group/organization/committee/board/event/etc..
How do you do this you might ask?
By Listening. Not just waiting to speak again, but actually listening. Listening for understanding. Listening for comprehension. Active listening.
By Being Vulnerable, Sometimes Radically Vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you give others permission to be vulnerable and then they will tell you what they are concerned about or what they care about.
By Being Honest but Tactful. No one trusts someone who blows smoke up their ass. But at the same time no one wants to hear the truth from someone who relishes being a dick about telling it to them. Leadership means having to have tough conversations, it’s not easy, but there is a way to do it to minimize the discomfort.
Seek To Build Consensus. “My way or the highway” is the quickest way to get from Point A to alone when it comes to leadership. Building consensus is important. Instead of bullying people into accepting that this is the way things are, helping them get on the same page can often go a long way. You may also find that in the process of building consensus you may discover ways in which your thinking was misinformed, information that was overlooked, or better ways to do things.
Adopt A Personal Mindset of Getting Better Over Being Right. For many of us admitting that we are wrong is a difficult thing, for me it’s very easy. The reason is very simple, I want to be better and the #1 impediment to be better is believing you are right when you aren’t. Believing you have no room for improvement when you do. Valuing your ego and protecting it’s fragility over strengthening your constitution by becoming better.
Lead By Example. Live, play and love like you expect those who follow you to. Plain and simple. Do as I say and not as I do is hypocrisy. It’s authoritarian. Model the goodness in the world you want to see, even if no one picks it up at least one person is doing it! It’s been said that character is what you are in the dark. The intention being that who you are is reflected by how you think and act when no one is watching. Leading by example is much easier to do if who you are in the dark and who you are in the light are not drastically different people.
Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously. Who among us is irreplaceable? Who among us is immortal and will not one day die? No one likes a blowhard, and no one wants to follow someone who thinks they are more important or valuable or knowledgable or experienced than they really are, so don’t take yourself too seriously. Just remember no matter how superlative you think you are, there is always someone better, or more, or less, or whatever than you. Your shit stinks just like everyone else's!
Lastly, for many of us is the hardest
Love Yourself. This includes being invested in your own growth. This means holding yourself accountable. This means celebrating your successes. This means challenging yourself. This means accepting love freely. This means accepting yourself for who you are, right now, in this moment. The Buddha said, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
So what?
As you journey through the rest of the weekend, please keep the parts of this that resonated with you in the back of your mind. Please think about all the ways in your life, whether they be in kink or Leather spaces or in other facets of your life, in which you are called to lead and ask yourself if you are truly Leading with Love.
Give yourself grace where you fall short, empower yourself to be better, to do better, and to make those around you better.
Remember that the world often feels vast and overwhelming, with you at the center of it.
But the only place you live in is right here and the only time you are alive is right now. And you aren’t alone. People need you and care about and look to you in this moment, right here, right now. Be here for it.
Thank you.