Changes in Language
Ethical vs. Consensual vs. _______
People who practice and talk about about polyamory or other forms of non-monogamy will often refer to it under an umbrella term like Ethical Non-Monogamy or Consensual Non-Monogamy. The addition of these modifiers have been necessitated by the stigma of these relationship styles by our mono-normative/mono-typical culture and it’s belief that non-monogamy is always infidelity. To distance themselves from infidelity, previous practitioners and academics added modifiers like “ethical” or “consensual”. As these relationships become more accepted within mainstream culture however there is some push-back on the modifiers.
The primary point of contention is that it continues to concede that non-monogamy is inherently unethical or non-consensual. The rebuttal of the non-monogamy community is that infidelity is not a form of non-monogamy, that by definition infidelity is not non-monogamy, that by definition non-monogamy must by at least consensual.
Others argue about just how relative questions of what is ethical are in this day and age. Does labeling a relationship style as “ethical” leave any room for the deceit inherent in human nature? Does labeling it “ethical” allow those who proclaim to practice it to hide their misdeeds behind it’s implicit goodness? Others question philosophical how consensual a choice can be when the outcome of that choice cannot be determined.
It is ultimately up to the individual to decide which terminology best describes how they live their life and how they want to engage with the world. But clarity in that endeavor tends to make life in general much easier.
Polyamory vs. Polyam vs. Poly
It has been common practice for quite some time in polyamorous commentary to abbreviation the word ‘polyamory’ to ‘poly’. As part of the vernacular of every day life we adopt slang and abbreviations, it’s a natural part of spoken language. If you do a search in your favorite internet search engine for the term “Poly” you will get a variety of different answers; from types of fabric, to the names of companies and schools, and others. Linguistically it is used a prefix to mean many or much as in ‘polygon’ meaning ‘many angles’. However, recently as our culture has become increasingly aware of marginalized and indigenous cultures it has become apparent that there is a conflict with one specific usage of the term ‘poly’ that has many non-monogamous people uncomfortable.
Poly is also used as a shorthand term for the indigenous peoples of the islands of Polynesia. The people of Polynesia have a rich cultural heritage that was greatly (negatively) impacted by European contact and eventual colonization. While I don’t believe the non-monogamous communities use of the term ‘poly’ was an intentional attempt to appropriate Polynesian culture or to create indigenous cultural erasure, I (JustRob) do believe that we can do better to be understanding of indigenous cultures and we can bear the burden of making slight modifications to the language we use in order to make space for the preservation of indigenous languages and cultures. Because of this I have been actively trying to retrain my thought processes and speech patterns to adopt ‘polyam’ as my shorthand for polyamory, when I don’t feel like saying the full word.
As an individual you are free to express yourself however you see fit. But remember that doing so in a compassionate way, in a way that makes space for others is almost never a bad way to communicate.